I DO NOT want to lose steam!  I WANT to press on.  Right now, I feel like my flesh is weak.

No matter how simple one tries to make life, the holidays always seem to create stress.  Really, if I think about it, the holidays are supposed to be focused first on God's gift to us in His son.  From that fact it follows that we commemorate this occasion by focusing on serving the Lord, loving one another, and reveling in true joy.  Of course, one way people celebrate is through parties.  I think this is where some of the stress comes in... at least for me... and I LOVE parties!  

Think about it.  Every group of which we're members has some sort of Christmas gathering.  If it sounds like I'm complaining and being a Scrooge, trust me, that's not my intent.  It's just that the weeks leading up to Christmas become a long string of events.   Concerts, parties, performances, etc.  Now sprinkle in decorating and cleaning for Christmas.  Of course the house needs to be decorated somehow both inside and out.  (and again, I LOVE DECORATING!!!!)  Also, who wants to revel in a dirty house during the holidays?  Not me!  If one works, one needs to make sure everything is caught up before vacation time begins.  For me, it's grading and planning.  For Henry, it's MOUNTAINS of paperwork.  Plus, if a family is planning to have guests or travel over the holidays, there are a gagillion preparations to be made in that regard too.  

So then we come to eating.  When do I plan what to eat?  How do I keep on track when there are delicious goodies ALL OVER THE PLACE???  There are times when I'm strong, but today wasn't one of them.  I have a weakness when it comes to those stupid frosted Lofthouse sugar cookies.  They're not gluten free and they're 5 points a piece.  I had four of them.  Ugh.  I counted the points, though.  Of course I dug into my flexpoints for the week, but that's why they're there.  Ultimately, all is not lost.  I just want this excess weight to "get lost".  

So, tomorrow is another day, right? I WILL (with God's help) press on!  

A good friend told me about a breakfast that's only 1 point and it satisfies her until lunch.  It's three pieces of Publix precooked microwave bacon (1 point, total) and a banana.  

A 1 POINT BREAKFAST THAT INCLUDES BACON?!?!?!?  Count me in.  

So, yesterday Henry and I had a DATE!  Yes, a real date!  We got a babysitter for Selah and we were graciously given a gift card to Stickey Fingers (for those of you not from SC, Stickey Fingers is an amazing barbeque restaurant).  I saved my points and ate...  I mean REALLY ATE last night,  Let's just say that at the end of the evening, many, MANY wet wipes were needed to make me presentable again.  :-)  

Now, when it came time to tally my points, I found that not only had I eaten the rest of my daily point allotment, but I had also eaten the rest of my flex points for the week.  Now, for those who are not familiar with Weight Watchers, each food is worth a certain amount of points.  Based on your weight, age, and gender, a person is given a certain amount of points that they need to eat each day.  Knowing that each day is different and there are times when one may indulge, Weight Watchers gives a certain amount of flex points that a person can use each week.  You don't HAVE to use them, but it's okay if you do.  Well, I did.  In a big way.  

I know I shouldn't step on the scale every day, but I do anyhow.  Of course my weight was up a little this morning and I was a bit discouraged.  In fact, I didn't really tally my points for yesterday until tonight.  I've just been so busy.  I have to remember that my weight loss and health are priorities.  I'm afraid that perhaps I'm losing some steam and I don't want that to happen.  It can't happen.  This transformation in my head, heart, and body MUST happen.  I can't stay at 328 lbs and live a long, healthy life.  That (historically) does not happen.

What's interesting to me at this present moment is that as I write this blog, I feel myself getting encouraged.  Is it because the people who read it are praying for and encouraging me?  Perhaps.  Maybe there's just something psychological about putting it into words.  More than likely, it's a combination of the two...

Anyhow, that being said, I will continue to blog on...  

                                                                             ... but log off for now.  

Ok, the first 10 lbs are behind me!  WOO HOOO!!!!!

Now, given that I need to lose over 100 lbs more, well...  that's just a drop in the bucket.  However, before two weeks ago, that bucket was D-R-Y and empty.  It now has 10 lbs in it.  It's a good start and I'll take it!

Yesterday was an interesting eating day.  Henry, Selah, and I attended a beautiful wedding and I had saved my WW points in order to really enjoy the reception.  The whole ceremony and the festivities that followed were STUNNING and we had a great time.  The only problem with instances like that is I don't really know how to count points since 1.) I don't know the recipes, 2.) we were eating appetizer portions (although we often ate more than one of something if it was particularly scrumptious), and 3.) after two glasses of wine, I kinda lost track of exactly how much I was eating.  Now, I know I didn't go crazy with the food, but I also know I did indulge just a little.  So, I guess I just do the best I can with tracking the points, recognize that we don't go to Charlestowne Landing for a swanky party every day, and move on...

Speaking of the wedding, that brings up another aspect of this journey that I want to think through and address.  That aspect is...  how I dress.   I've always loved clothes and accessorizing.  My fashion sense isn't really over-the-top, but I enjoy letting my creative and dramatic juices flow when it comes to what I wear.  This is next to impossible when one is fat.  It becomes even more difficult when one's budget is considered.

My daily wardrobe has gone from tailored black pants, sassy/ trendy sweaters, and leather boots to a rotation between two pairs of tired capris, stretched out jersey knit tops, and flip-flops.   I don't think I've ever really looked "dowdy", but I don't feel like I look like myself when I see my reflection.   I used to get sad when I looked in closet and saw those fun and interesting clothes that no longer fit. but this is changing.  Now that I've started Weight Watchers, I look at those clothes and I'm feeling a little less defeated and a bit more excited.  I am determined to wear those pieces again- especially the ones that are still in style!  (I DO NOT want to be one of those moms who wears her old clothes solely because she can and yet she looks like she just stepped out of a Sears catalog from 1985.)

Yesterday I was able to wear a blue dress that fit well and was flattering.  It reminded me of how it felt to feel good about one's appearance and it gave me more drive to press on to success.  With God's help, I can do this!  I guess the question I just need to keep in mind as I progress is, "Do I want the pizza or the pizzazz?"

I vote for the pizzazz.  

Post Thanksgiving

Starting Weight Watchers right before Thanksgiving was..................  the best thing I could have done.  I've lost 6 lbs since starting last week, and even though that's not a lot, it's a start.

During the holidays, it's so easy succumb to the lure of constant decadence.  Every commercial, every storefront, every gathering....  all seem to worship food and its pleasure.  As a person who loves food, these images have a strong effect on me.  Am I a food addict?  Perhaps...  but by the very fact that we must eat in order to live, we all are AT LEAST dependent on food.  That God created our taste buds and that He made some foods so very appealing indicate that He wants us to enjoy what we eat.  It is without hesitation that I (and most others) happily participate in this relationship... that is, the one between man and food.

While God made eating enjoyable, it was only perhaps so that we would take the time to do so in order to sustain our bodies, His temple.  Somewhere along the line, this mission got twisted.  No longer was eating just a means to keep the body healthy and strong, but I started eating just for the joy of it, the comfort of it, and the feeling of it.  My purpose for eating changed, and it no longer focused on God and the care and keeping of the temple of the Holy Spirit.  It was now focused on ME and what I wanted.  "Houston, we have a problem...."

So, I am refocusing.  Now, this doesn't mean that I'm never going to indulge in something decadent.  Trust me, dark chocolate will always be a part of my diet.  But I am thinking more along the lines of, "What foods will make my body stronger and healthier and what foods will cripple my immunity and weaken my overall well being?"

So, more greens.
       More beans.
              More berries.

Fewer sugars.
      Fewer starches.
               Fewer trips to the Double Arches.  :-)

Blog #3

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!!!  

Can I just tell you how glad... RELIEVED I am that I've started Weight Watchers right before the major holidays???  I'm serious!  Many people may think, "Oh, but the feasting is SO GOOD!"  Of course, they're right, but let's talk about feasting for a second.

Thanksgiving:  This is a holiday where the Puritans, after suffering almost unbearable hardship and famine, gave thanks to God for their plentiful harvest and His goodness.  It can be deduced that the fare that day included wild foul, venison, nuts, berries, grains, and squash.  I've read that sugar was in short supply and so if there was anything sweet, it was most likely sweetened with honey or berries.  Whatever they ate, I hope it amazingly delicious... and that they ate until they were full...  because it had been a long time since they could say that they actually had, had enough to eat.

Today, all we have to do is open our pantries or drive to the nearest corner and we too can have just about all of the above (save the venison in most parts) in the blink of an eye.  Almost every day is a feast for most American families (although this could be changing since our economy is in its present state, but that's a chat for a different day).  We have meat, vegetables, starches, sweets, fruits... and really we try to eat some of each every day.  If we think about it, by the Puritan's standards and those of many other people currently around the world, AMERICANS FEAST EVERY DAY.

Of course, there are benefits to having healthy food at our fingertips.  Scurvy is scarce.  Rickets isn't rampant.  We're tall, strong, and well nourished.  Now the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction and our lives have become centered on food.  Let me be more personal here, MY life has become centered around food.  I love its aroma, the process it takes to put together something delicious. the satisfaction of swallowing something scrumptious, be it savory or sweet.  Every day has become a bit of a feast... and that's what has gotten me to be the 328 lbs that I am.

So, back to Thanksgiving.  Yes, Henry and I are having turkey, potatoes, cranberries, corn bread stuffing, and pumpkin pie and I will be counting my Weight Watchers points the entire time.  This year we opted to purchase most of our feast precooked from our favorite grocery store.  They do a great job and we just wanted some time to relax and reflect on how good God is and be thankful for all the blessings He's showered on us.  Here are just a few that I'd like to share:

1.) Henry - I have the most patient and loving husband and I am so thankful for him.  He was worth the wait.
2.) Selah  - She is healthy, smart, funny, and just the most incredible joy.  She was worth the wait.
3.) Our friends and family - I love you all dearly
4.) Our church - the teaching, fellowship, and oversight are a blessing and a rare treasure
5.) Our employment - work is hard, but are employed.  Can I get an AMEN!?!?!?
6.) Our freedom and provision - Praise God that we haven't been starving and freezing and facing horrible living conditions as the Pilgrims did as they made their way to the new world and started a new life.  And praise God that I still have the freedom to do just that...  PRAISE GOD.

Again, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Day 2....

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and encouragement I have received already from so many people!  You all have no idea how much it means for you all to know where I am at the inception of this endeavor and instead of judging me, you've come along side of me.  Bless you and THANK you.  I'll be leaning on you, even when you don't realize it.

As some of you have seen on my facebook through various discussions, I do have some other health issues that make this weight loss and transformation more pressing.  First of all, I have Lupus.  Fortunately, it's not very serious and it's in remission.  However, every now and then it makes itself known in its all-too-charming "syndromatic" ways.  My joints get very sore and I get rashes (not the typical butterfly rash) on face and body.  These are annoying, but the more problematic health issue I face is a severe IgA deficiency.  What is an IgA deficiency?  I'm so glad you asked.  :-)

Back in college, I used to get sick...  VERY sick... often.... VERY often.  I thought it was caused by late nights, being involved in too many activities, and being overly social.  While those things didn't help the situation, the sicknesses didn't stop after college.  Bronchitis would come and go at least 4-5 times a year.  This was devastating to a vocal major who depended on her voice for a possible future occupation.  Finally, it became very clear that my health wasn't stable enough for me to pursue that dream and I was going to have to choose another route.  After seeing doctor after doctor, and being on COUNTLESS antibiotics, it was finally discovered that I am missing a protein from my blood (immunoglobulin A) that helps protect the body against viral and bacterial infections. (Click on this link for more information on IgA Deficiency.)  Being sick so often and then having such a long recovery time has greatly inhibited my activity level.  It's not that I can't be active...  it's just that when I come down with an upper respiratory infection, it usually takes a few weeks before my lungs feel normal again and are ready for any kind of real exertion.  There's no other way to describe this other than it's a real pain and is extremely discouraging at times.

My faith in Jesus Christ and the sovereignty of God is what has carried me through the ups and downs of all of this.  I know my health could be a lot worse and I am grateful for the moderately good health that I enjoy most of the time.  In that vein, I feel that it is my responsibility to strengthen myself and fight against forces that are trying to destroy my body.

So again, it brings me here... to Weight Watchers and to this blog to document my journey.

Tomorrow, I am going to talk about how I'm also going to incorporate eating gluten free.

Ok.  Here's the disgusting truth.  I stepped on the scale today and it revealed a MAJOR problem....  One which I've ignored and battled off and on for years.  I've NEVER been this heavy and YES, I am what the medical professionals consider morbidly obese.  Shoot.  Forget the medical professionals.  I KNOW I am morbidly obese.  This has to change.  Permanently.

Growing up, I was never fat.  In fact, I was a tall and skinny kid.  Even though I didn't have a weight problem, I wasn't the most athletic or fit child either.  At one point in my teen years, a nutritionist told my parents that I had a propensity toward obesity because of my BMI, which I truly don't remember what it was now.  This hurt my feelings, but didn't change the way I ate or thought about food.  I just sort of kept cruising ... and then came college.

I didn't gain the freshman 15.  It was more like the sophomore 50.  In between my freshman and sophomore years of college, I spent a summer working in the churches of Mexico City.  While there, I contracted a parasite that 1.) made me feel TERRIBLE and 2.) made me lose a TON of weight.  I went to the doctor in Mexico and he gave me a pill... just one pill.   I felt better.  One year later I was at least 50 lbs heavier.

Over the next few years I ballooned and ignored the issue.  Throughout the past two decades, I gained and lost weight here and there... and then I got married.  Now, I'm not blaming marriage on my weight....  but something happened.  My husband and I finally had found one another and suddenly exercise seemed to go on the back burner.  Life began to pick up speed and ....

Here I am, now 40 years old, and I weigh 338 lbs.  You have NO idea how hard that is for me to broadcast.  I'm embarrassed and ashamed by my apparent lack of concern for my health, appearance, well-being, and family  However, I have to share that with you so you all know the gravity of this issue.  It's time to shift gears and I have a few reasons why it is NECESSARY for me change NOW and blog about my journey:

1.) I now have a daughter.  So far, I don't have type 2 diabetes, but I know that's right around the corner if I don't change IMMEDIATELY.
2.) Perhaps someone else, if anyone else ever chooses to read this blog, will resonate with my situation and be encouraged.
3.) Those of you who read this can pray for me as I begin my personal reformation.
4.) By blogging about my journey, I can remember where I started... how I started.... how I felt as I started.
5.) As I move forward, I can write out my goals, celebrate my victories, and bemoan my failures as a press on.

Well, that's enough for a first blog.  There's a lot more to share, but my last thought on this for today is this:

My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.  Really, He doesn't need this big a temple.